This Blog Just Got a Whole Lot More Personal

For some reason I tend to hold back in the details on some of my blog posts and when I participate in threads. When I think about why, the reasons that I come up with usually have to do with professionalism and reputation.

I have always thought the best way to conduct business is professionally. That means on the forums, never attack anyone and be courteous. Although I do think I have taken that too far, and in my blog as well. Now my thinking is that I turned into a bit of a “yes man.” I’ve briefly touched on this topic before.

Regarding my blog posts, I think it comes down to being scared of the unknown. I always act professionally on here, to create an image of strength and success. Why?

When I delve deeper into that thought I think it’s a defensive mechanism. What if they find out I’m not a super affiliate and don’t want to waste their time talking to me anymore? What if I tell them what I’m doing and they use their experience to screw me?

I was spooked when I made a controversial post on my Australian gambling website. I was found through Facebook and I was called up by gambling companies with threats. I was eventually sent a letter from Betfair’s lawyers after the guy who rang me found out all the information he needed. Lesson learned.

Another thing that makes me insecure is why people visit my blog, visit my sites I link to in my blog and never make a comment or talk to me. I guess that could be just natural browsing, or is it something more sinister?

Recently, I have come to realize increasingly that affiliate forums rarely divulge any helpful material. I is always done in private conversation through IM. The more experience I get under my belt, the more I can begin to learn from people by what they are not saying.

Obviously noone is going to tell all their money making secrets, but what I don’t like is the aura of “wow thanks man, you are so awesome. You help everyone so much.” When in fact they don’t and most of it is hype. Gambling affiliates don’t do anything for free. Want some help? Throw me a link, is the general attitude.

OK, I understand we are running businesses. I guess that is why I tend to just talk to a select few as well now. Truth be told, I am in the same group as the people I am talking about above. In the past I have been nothing but helpful and willing to help. Hell I have helped a guy for over 10 hours (estimate) on his site, only for him to ignore me and ask the same questions in a thread to get the same answers.

This isn’t a rant about me getting the rough end of the stick (although it may seem that way). In fact I’m not pissed at all. It interests me, the dynamics of how this business works is truly fascinating to me.

I try to live by the rules that if you love and give and help, then it will be returned. There is an abundance of everything in this world so if you are open and free, it will be returned. But what happens when you are in a cut throat industry where everyone is fighting for an edge? Do you still live by those rules and feel like you’re getting taken advantage of? Do you only be open to your inner circle? If you do, then how is it fair to be selective with whom you feel is good enough to be granted your help?

How Do You Keep Your Emotions Stable?

This is a question that is starting to get to me. I’m such an up and down guy in so many facets of life it isn’t funny. I’m not talking about minor swings either, I’m talking about both ends of the spectrum.

Monday I was feeling elated. I went to the gym, wrote six articles, ate well and got some pending emails sorted out. I even watched some downloaded TV episodes to reward myself and was generally in a great mood.

Yesterday I struggled to get up though. I was groggy and was in that state of “I can’t get up so I’ll just lay here and sleep some more” until about midday.

This gets to me. The day before I had 3 articles written by then. I end up catching up with a close friend on mine Jess on a Skype video call. This puts me in a positive mood again and I go to the gym.

The Fitness First bitches piss me off after they stuff me around for the 6th time in a row. I’m not feeling as strong in the gym and don’t go as hard as I did the day before. I didn’t eat that well and was feeling down by this point.

I have some dinner and I start getting upset thinking about my ex girlfriend and trying to work out if I did the right thing by breaking up with her because I miss her.

I go out and buy junk food and it eat while watching TV shows. Back up a bit, after I bought it I went for a bit of a drive and was staring at the stars and deeply thinking.

After splurging on junk food and stuffing around it was in the early hours of the morning. I was talking to Simon and Jakob about some general stuff and they make me feel better (they don’t know this). I think both of them mention that they really enjoyed my last blog post and that I should do it more often. They both loved the idea that this blog will be getting more personal. Perhaps they find me interesting. It’s the small things in life that matter. Damn that’s what my ex says. I personally think I can relate to people really well because I have many life experience besides being just 23 (more on this later in this post).

So I go to sleep watching a movie and wake up at midday again in a sweat because it is so hot. My mouth is still hurting and throbbing because my gums are swollen. This has been going on for some days now and is starting to get to me.

I check my bank account and find out that I’ve been paid, that is pretty cool. Today is going to be better and I will crank out some articles and be back on track, right?

I book an appointment with the second dentist which is $60 more because they can fit me in tomorrow while the other one wasn’t until Monday. Irritates me a little, even though it isn’t that big of a deal.

I come home and I’m feeling bummed. I don’t really know why, but I think I was subconsciously thinking about Carly (my ex). My mum comes home and I find out that I have received a $133 speeding ticket from last week. I was only 11 km/h over the speeding limit. I know when this happened and I checked the speedometer at the time. I thought I was only about 4-6 km/h over the limit.

I was on my way to Mt Coot-tha to have coffee and a lamington with Carly. So now I am pissed about the ticket and how costly these things are that keep popping up when I’m trying to save for Thailand. I begin wondering how I’m going to earn a heap of extra cash in the next 6.5 weeks because I don’t have any saved. I’ve spent about 5k in the past couple of months just getting everything sorted. It doesn’t help that I’m now starting to think more about why I gave up Carly to go on this trip.

I start browsing the forums and decide that the best way to try to snap myself out of this feeling is to open up instead of closing myself like I normally do. Usually I would do what I did last night and vege out in my room eating crap and watching useless shows.

I made a couple of small donations. One to Jim’s cause and one to the Haiti fund. I’m a pretty generous guy and like to help when I can. I think I’m kind and caring, which is one of my best attributes. It makes me feel good inside that I’m not victimising myself and am doing what I can. The donations were only $10 each but after the day had gone so far, I really didn’t like the thought of spending money. I did it anyway.

This lasts for a little while longer but then I’m bummed out again. I’m trying to work out if I should call Carly. I’ve always been very closed to people for fear of being hurt, which is what I alluded to earlier. I have always been able to say what I want to Carly and she knows a lot about me. She can help me and I feel like she’s the only one that I can talk to. Perhaps this is one of the reasons that I have always tended to have a girlfriend? So that I can open up to someone without fear of being hurt.

I watch a bit of the Australian Open tennis and have a coffee. I took some pain killers because my mouth is starting to piss me off. I’m still trying to work out whether I will make a blog post or call Carly. For some reason though, I’m starting to feel better. I’m not so bummed out and I feel like I can actually do some writing. I don’t know why that is. What part of this last process made me feel better. What snapped me out of this behaviour?

So here I am and I’m writing this blog post and am feeling great about myself. The roller coaster seems to have come to an end. But do I know why? I think it feels liberating to be able to express myself like this. I have doubts though. Will people not give a shit about me writing a long arse post about and exclaim “fuck man that was so long and boring, I don’t need to know if your mouth hurts!” Or will they think this is now a great place to come and read a blog because they can relate to what I’m saying?

My Life Story Put Simple

I’m going to share a few things with you guys and girls so it can give you a bit of an understanding about my past, who I am and why I am who I am.

I moved out of home when I was 15, I guess the teenage years hit me harder than most. I guess my family isn’t any worse than most other families but I think it is dysfunctional.

My parents divorced, which I think is mainly due to my father’s gambling addiction and alcohol intake.

I wasn’t getting along with my Mum because she was moving away and I wanted to finish school in my home town. I go to Sydney for a holiday with my Dad where he says I either have to stay with him or move with my Mum (at that point I wanted to move out by myself).

I decide to stay with my Dad because at the time I didn’t know about his problems. I quickly realise the real situation. Even though he’s a really good guy, I had my own problems as well. I decide that I’m going to move out and do my own thing. I think I ran away from many of my problems and probably still do. He went out of his way to make everything work for me in Sydney, but I just didn’t want to be there.

When I was back in my home town I stayed with two of my friend’s families for the first six months or so. I eventually get my own place which was a terrible experience. It was a house split into two, and the people of the other side of the wall were seriously fucked up. I used to go to sleep to the guy knocking his girlfriends teeth out. He was always trying to fight me when I was out the front and I called the police several time.

Long story short, I was mentally very weak at this point. I was by myself, always felt lonely and was longing to feel better. Shit was bad.

I end up moving back to Sydney with my Dad to study from home before my final high school exams. Instead of studying I work full time with him as a furniture removalist. Every Friday I would get paid about a grand and by that night I would have gambled it away. Now I have a full blown gambling addiction, awesome.

I somehow go well in my exams and get accepted into university. I take up a sales role, get an award because I am killing it. I decide to put Uni off. Just a couple of weeks after that my arsehole of a boss fires me for something stupid (some lady thinks she overheard me calling her something).

I end up applying for the Australian Special Forces because a friend of mine was in the Army and I was excited about it. I get accepted into the first ever direct entry to the Special Forces and am one of 50 guys out of about 1200 applicants to be accepted. Even though I’m a natural leader and knew I should have been going in as an office (psychologist said that too) I join up. I think I’m cool.

By the way during most of this time I have a girlfriend, as I have since I was 16. They were all messy relationships and ended badly.

Just before I leave for the Army something fucked up happens in my life. I won’t be sharing this because it is too personal. I am at the Army and am a complete mess. Not just because of what happened but because I’m just not mentally strong enough. I leave and that is the end of that chapter.

I go to University and do well even though my life is a mess. I meet some good friends and all is not that bad. I end up breaking up with my girlfriend at the end of the year and change to a better Uni doing a double degree.

I’m always depressed at this point and am listening to Tony Robbins at every available chance. This is when the new girl comes along.

I go back into my shelter, stop going to the gym, which I was doing a lot when I was training for the Army and eventually stop going to class. At the end of the first year I am half passing and half failing my classes. I go to Thailand and have a great time even though I don’t get along with my girlfriend any more.

Its at this time I begin online affiliating. It’s the start of 2008 and I get into it by finding affiliate links on poker websites. In 2007 I had been playing poker almost all day every day. I guess it was better than gambling on other things, but is still a terrible, destructive habit.

I begin sitting in my room all day every day not worrying about the outside world and become a bit of a hermit. I don’t like my house mates nor my girlfriend and am getting drunk about 5-6 days a week.

In about October of last year she breaks up with me and I’m shattered. I go to psychiatrist just because I want answers. I feed him a whole heap of stuff because I’m so depressed and he said I could have bipolar (because that’s what I was telling him I had).

Over the Christmas period of 2008 it was the toughest time of my life since I was in high school. I get through it though and have stopped drinking by this time.

Half way through 2009 I meet Carly when I move to Sydney and live with my brother and she helps me out a lot. I end up having a falling out with my brother and I’m no longer his groomsmen at his wedding next month.

Even though we are now doing long distance we grow really fond of her. I am constantly looking for a solution to be together but I don’t want to move to Sydney. I always trying to find out what I want to do in life and find sitting on a computer all day a waste of my talent and lose interest.

I finally figure out why I have been slaving away with online affiliating so long, and what I want to do with life. I want to travel, see the world and have wild experiences and have a great time.

Carly is a conservative girl, she still lives at home and gets upset over little things. She has a very close knit family and we begin fighting.

I guess we kind of grow apart at this point and lose a little bit of that desire and strong bond that we have. I go from thinking it is the right girl at the wrong time to, I’m just not sure anymore.

I place going and doing my own thing overseas on the top of my priority list. After all that is what I want in life right?

The last few days I begin to think that this could be a naive approach. I’m a strong believer in love, what if I’ve just screwed up what was perfect for me? She is everything I want in a girl except maybe more ambition and flair for excitement.

I get bored easily, and I mean easily. Emphasise that. Am I going to get bored of girls all my life? I have that deep feeling for Carly, but why do I place my own ambition over that? What if I never get the chance to be with anyone like her again?

On the other hand though, if I went overseas and was in a relationship I wouldn’t be happy. There is something engrained in my brain that doesn’t allow me to reach my potential when I have a girlfriend.

I don’t do it deliberately but my life stops. I stop going to the gym, I stop studying, I stop working, I don’t socialise anymore. That really pisses me off. Why can’t I be in a relationship and still be able to do everything I want and not feel as though my life is set, and nothing matters that much anymore? Surely I can be with a girl and fulfill my ambitions?

That is where I’m at now. I’m currently feeling calm and relieved. I do think it has to do with sharing my life with others.

My only hope is people don’t think I’m weird and messed up in the head. I certainly am not, I just need to find better solutions to my problems. Alcohol and exclusion from life are not a healthy lifestyle choice.

I’m happy now that I know what is going to make me happy in life. In just a matter of weeks I’ll be jetting off to South East Asia with the world as my oyster. I’m hoping that will be a remedy for my loneliness and craving to be in a relationship.

Please leave a comment and tell me exactly what you think, would be greatly appreciated.